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Dear Cooper and Finn
25th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, It's here, your first Christmas! We all wore our festive jumpers, and by some Christmas miracle, all the baubles on the tree remained intact. We had a quiet day, but it was most definitely not chilled. No day ever is now you two are here. Although we really missed seeing family and friends, it felt really nice not to spend the day driving round and visiting everyone, never really able to relax because we're always thinking about where we need to be next. We gave you a ride-on tiger and ladybird, a telephone with eyes on wheels, and a dancing robot called Beatbo. Then we popped round to our neighbours’
house for a couple of glasses of prosecco and left once you'd knocked one over each. Dinner was at about 4pm, after your second nap of the day. We had roast turkey, pigs in blankets, mashed potato, roast potato, cauliflower cheese, mashed turnip, carrots, broccoli, stuffing balls, mint sauce, and lingonberry jam. We thought you'd eaten loods but then we found it all under the table afterwards. Then we watched Arthur Christmas, put you in the bath and to bed, and your dad and I flopped on the sofa, wondering where the day had gone and why we were so tired. xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
24th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, It's Christmas Eve! One of my favourite days of the year. I think I like it even more than Christmas Day. For me it's a day without pressure. A day of quiet anticipation before the big day. A day of looking forward to something, which is an incredibly enjoyable experience in itself. I haven't worked on Christmas Eve for a few years now, but I have done many times. First at the chip shop in Frosterley. Then at the Centre for Life in Newcastle where someone once told me I'd ruined Christmas for his 8-year-old daughter because we had to tell people who tried to join the queue when we were close to closing that they wouldn't be able to go ice skating. And one year when I was working from home at mam and dad's house as a People's Champion for innocent smoothies, an angry customer phoned me at 4.03pm and demanded that I trudge to the postbox through the snow to post her some smoothie vouchers. But not today, thankfully. I'm just sitting at home, enjoying the day with you and your dad, thinking about what to watch and eat next. If I was seventeen again again, I'd be getting ready to go out down Crook tonight, wearing a dress and no coat even in the snow. I’d jump around and shout along to All I want for Christmas is you, have a few Taboo and lemonades, and get chips, cheese and garlic sauce before click-clacking across the cobbles in my silver satin kitten heels across the cobbles to dad's car. (Thanks dad.) xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
17th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, I'm so excited for Christmas now. It'll be the first time we've ever spent Christmas Day at home, just the four of us, and I can't wait to start our own traditions. And by that I mean force you to do all the things I want to do and eat the things I want to eat, and if you try to resist say "but it's Christmas” with sad eyes. I used to love it when we got the Christmas food in the house. Food we never had at any other time of the year. There’d be a twelve-pack of Pepsi, a pretzel snack tray, Bombay mix, Shloer, honey roasted cashews, Twiglets, satsumas, mince pies, Celebrations, After Eights, and Chocolate Orange. I'd wake up to a pillowcase of presents from Santa, then we’d take it in turns to open the presents from under the tree, then dad and I would stuff our faces with chocolate and Twiglets and mince pies as mam repeatedly told us to stop eating because we'd spoil our our dinner (she was right). We'd watch Carols from Kings, The Snowman, and the Top of the Pops Christmas special, and I'd record the best films on the brand new videotapes dad's friend Sandy always bought me. I hope you love Christmas Day as much as I do. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
16th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, I've just got home from Christmas lunch with my friends, and my belly and my heart are full. We call ourselves Belfast because years ago we set up a WhatsApp group to arrange a trip to Belfast that I didn't end up going on. It was such a lovely afternoon. We ate delicious bread, dips, barbecued meat and chips, drank champagne and wine, and sang Christmas songs from printed sheets. It was the kind of afternoon you wish you could have every week, but you know you wouldn't enjoy as much if you did. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
14th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, I’m on my way home! Every time I think about seeing your little faces and squeezing and squeezing squeezing you and kissing and kissing and kissing you I get a little bit giddy. Looking at photos of you on my phone and smiling to myself will have to do until I get to see the real thing. Can't wait! Apologies in advance for the onslaught of love you're about to receive! I've got a whole week's worth to let out. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
9th December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn, I've just landed in San Jose, California. It's 11:49 pm your time. It's crazy that it's still the same day and I'm halfway around the world. I miss you! I'm just remembering what you feel like in my arms. I know the exact weight. The exact warmth. The exact softness. I know how you breathe and how your heart beats and how you burble away at nothing in particular. Just thinking about all this is making me smile. See you soon, lads. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
5th December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn, It's been so lovely to wander around in short sleeves in December. When it's sunny and warm enough to not have to wear a coat, there's one less thing weighing me down. Movements feel easier, freer. And somehow thoughts do too. I was talking to your dad about whether he’d like to live somewhere that's warm in the winter, but he says he likes the winters we have at home. I do too. I love the crisp, fresh, clear days that feel so bright and sharp that it comes as a shock. And I love how it feels inside when it's gloomy and miserable outside. I like the seasons. I like change. xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
3rd December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
While we were queving at the post office today I saw a box full of leather effect pocket diaries on the counter. And it made me a bit sad that they probably won’t sell many. That one day no one will buy them anymore and they’ll stop making them. They were just like my gran used to buy and my mam still buys now. Whenever I tell her what dates we’ll be visiting she writes them straight down in there so she knows not to make any appointments at the same time, because she wants to see us as much as possible. I don’t want her to ever not do that. X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
2nd December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
One of you made a noise just as I was about to go to sleep and I was thrilled at the excuse to go into your room and look at you again. You sleep well most of the time (thank you) so sometimes when you do wake in the night and I get to spend extra time with you while the rest of the world sleeps, it feels like the most special, secret joy. Other times I feel so exhausted I feel physically sick. But sometimes it really is the most wonderful treat. Xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
27th November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
What a lovely day out! Probably the first one we’ve had that I wouldn’t describe as nice but chaotic, or nice but stressful. It was just nice. It was nice even though our arms ached from carrying you round the aquarium so you could smile at all the creatures. It was nice even though we ate our hot dogs dodging rain drips under a bridge because we’re still too scared to take you in restaurants. It was nice despite and because of all of those things. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
23rd November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
I slipped over on a spilt drink in Liverpool last week when we were celebrating our friend Chrissy’s 40th birthday. I didn’t think it was broken because they told me it wasn't at the hospital, and the pain felt similar to the time I slipped over on a (very slippy) zebra crossing in Magaluf when celebrating our friend Jemma’s hen do and overtensed the ligaments in my arm. Anyway, it turns out it is actually fractured. I got a letter from the hospital today apologising for missing it on the x-ray, and as soon as I read it my arm suddenly felt a lot more painful. I had to go to A&E to get checked out again and the doctor told me I need to rest it for four weeks! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
15th November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
You had your first ride in a trolley today! I used to love going to the supermarket when I was little. We’d start off in the pasta aisle (or maybe we didn’t, but that’s the first bit I remember) and I’d pick up a packet of tricolore spaceship pasta. I was inconsolable when they stopped making it! Then we’d get a lovely big fresh white baguette and mam and dad let me tear off a chunk to keep me quiet on the way round, then I’d wash it down with a carton from our six-pack of tropical juice that I’d still be slurping on when we went through the checkout. X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
14th November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
I thought nothing could beat your perfect gummy toothless smiles but now you’ve both got two perfect little stumpy teeth right in the middle of your mouth at the top, and another two at the bottom directly below them, and it’s the best thing I ' ve ever seen. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
13th November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
I had no idea how much joy I’d get from seeing you do things for the first first time. You just suddenly started clapping in the car, and when I spotted you in the mirror I was so giddy with excitement I genuinely considered pulling over and flagging down some cars so they could come and have a look and feel what I was feeling. In the middle of the Al motorway. I didn’t of course. I just carried on driving and thought about how lucky I was to have seen it myself. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
9th November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
You're almost ten months old now, and I’ve been back at work for almost six. I'm very lucky that I work from home and I do a lot of work in the evenings, so I get to spend way more time with you than other people who work full time get to spend with their kids. I’ve got a job I love, and I still get to look after you. I‘ve got it all! It’s intense though. To cram it all in I can’t afford to waste a single moment of the day. I flick the kettle on to boil and run upstairs with the clean washing. I cook the next day’s meal while you’re eating your tea. I hoover under the sofas while you’re crawling about on the floor. I write things for work in my head while I’m busy doing other things, and repeat them over and over until I get chance to write them down. It’s exhausting, but it's my choice to do it
like this. For me it’s worth it, and for the most part I enjoy it. It’s not possible to completely understand why someone makes the choices they do, because you can never fully understand what it’s like to be them. You don’t have exactly the same experiences that they do, and even if you did, you wouldn’t experience them in the exact same way. so rather than worrying too much about what other people are doing and why, you have to try and trust that they’re doing the right thing for them in the circumstances. And if they’re not, hopefully they’ll work it out for themselves in the end. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
5th November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
I’ve just watched Season 2 Episode 4 of The Wire (not for you until you’re over 21), and I laughed when Nick said dinner was tuna surprise. When I was younger my mam would make 'lentil surprise' for tea, only she pronounced it 'surpreese’ to make it sound more exotic and exciting. Dad and I groaned when she told us what we were having, because it was the least exciting meal ever. It's only now I understand that she was trying to make the most of not a lot. I’ll be forever grateful for that. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
3rd November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
We met baby Georgie today! She weighed almost nothing and fell asleep on me after about 3 minutes, and you two slid around the floor trying to pull things off the shelves. I thought you were still small, but all of a sudden I could see how much you’d grown. I used to think that when people marvelled at how much kids had grown that it was just small talk, something to fill the air with. Now I understand it’s because they really are amazed. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
31st October 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
After a full-on morning getting us all ready to leave the house, I arrived at Cannon Street Station a little peckish. I‘ll pop into M&S and grab a sandwich, I thought. It sounds so easy when I say it like that. Only M&S is crowded and cramped, and your buggy is pretty big, so I struggled to even get close enough to the sandwiches to pick one. After being showered with tuts and sighs by people who clearly thought they were more entitled to a sandwich than me, I eventually got my hands on a prawn mayonnaise. Level 1 complete. Now I just had to make it through the queue. It looked tricky, and I considered trying to quickly dash through it alone, but I thought it would be frowned upon if I left you behind the Percy Pigs rack. We got down the first leg of the queue OK, but the turn was too tight for us so I had to reverse out to the sound of more tuts and sighs and abandon the sandwich I’d fought so hard to get amidst the flapjacks and brownie bars. Then I flounced out in tears, and pushed you down a step forwards because it suited my flounce better than turning round and going down it backwards sensibly, almost tipping you out in the process. Reading this back now I should have just asked someone for help. It would have been nice if someone offered too. I’ll be more inclined to do both in future. XXX