Blog
Dear Cooper and Finn
9th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn, I still miss you. I really do. But something happened today that I've been wishing for for a long time. I woke up, and I didn't have to look after anyone but myself. I didn't have to clean up poo or rush around getting breakfast ready while you both shout at me to hurry up. No one bit me or tried to pull my teeth or my eyes out. I just read the paper and drank a coffee, went to the gym, and then just drove myself to the shops without having to take nappies or snacks or plan where to feed you at midday. And it was lovely. And then I walked past the Build-a-Bear shop and thought how nice it would be if you were with me and we could build some bears together. And then I saw lots of parents pulling their kids around in these fun trucks and I thought how much you would love that, and I felt a bit sad and lonely. But then I reminded myself that I spend 99% of my time with you, and that I'd really been looking forward to having some time to myself, so I vowed to make the most of it. Because even if you love someone with every cell of your body, it's OK to want to do something without them occasionally. It doesn’t mean you love them any less. The only reason I can enjoy that time without you is because I know it's not forever. Because next Saturday I'll be with you, trying to get the banana pancakes to cool fast enough to stop you shouting and banging the table. Not reading the paper and not really minding because I did that last week, and it turns out playing with you two and pretending to be the tickle monster and letting your pudgy little hands poke and prod my face is actually way more fun.
XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
6th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
I miss you. I've seen you on my iPad screen every morning and travelled through time and across the ocean to watch you eat your tea (and throw the bits that you don't want to eat on the floor). And I've seen photos of you enjoying yourselves with your Grandma and Granda, and smiled back at your cheeky smiles, but it's just not the same as seeing them in real life. When I see pictures of you I can almost feel the weight of you in my arms and your soft, cool little cheeks brushing against mine. Almost, but not quite. So I can't wait to see you and cuddle you for real. Not all that excited to resume my role as Chief Pasta Picker Upper, though. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
5th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
" It must be hard being away from them. You must miss them terribly." Someone said this to me, and it's true. It is. And I do. When I booked this trip in January it was fine because it was ages away. But now it's here and it's the longest I’ve ever been away from you. Nine whole nights! I think about you a lot and wonder what you're doing. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you (I'm pretty sure that you don't). I look forward to FaceTiming you at 9 am every morning (my time), and I look forward even more to coming home and seeing you. But I don't think about you all the time. And even though I'm here for work and I've got lots to do, it feels nice to have some time to myself. It feels like a bit of a break. And I'm a bit scared to say that out loud in case it sounds like I don't love you enough. Like I don't want to spend all my time with you. But I love you more than I know what to do with. And I do want to spend all my time with you. I want to spend every minute of every day with you. It's just I'd like a few extra minutes to spend on my own.
X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
4th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
Keith Flint died today. His music with The Prodigy is the soundtrack to so many memories for me and your dad. The first time I ever heard them was when I was with my mam and dad at their friend Kay's house, and her son Jeffrey played Firestarter on a cassette. I wasn't sure what I thought - I'd never heard anything like it - but I said I liked it to sound cool. Then I saw the video on Top of the pops, and mam and dad said it was awful, so I said I didn't like it (I did). Then eight years later I heard it live for the first time with your dad at the Metro club in Melbourne and got so close to Keith Flint (I feel like he's one of those people whose names you have to say in full each time) that some of his sweat sprayed onto my face. It was amazing. Since then we've seen them at V Festival, Glastonbury, Newcastle, Brixton - all over! I always thought we'd see them again. I'm sosad we won't. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
1st March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
Our babysitter Jayne was concerned about you today, Finn. She thought you had an ear infection because you kept putting your hands over your ears. I had to explain that you were just playing " Where's Finn? ' and you think we can’t see you when your hands are on your ears. When you first started playing the game you used to put your hands over your eyes, thinking (quite logically) that if you couldn't see us, we couldn't see you. But as time's gone on you've put less and less effort in while we play on with the same enthusiasm. You must think we're idiots. We are! XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
6th January 2019 Dear Cooper and Finn, One thing I wasn't really prepared for is how hard it is to do things with you. Obviously I knew I wouldn't be going to fancy restaurants and bars, and I knew that just getting out the house would be hard because of all the things we'd have to do to get ready. But I didn't think about precisely how many individual tasks would be involved, and how uniquely challenging each one would be, and what it would feel like to do every single one of those tasks twice, for two uniquely challenging individuals. I wrote a little guide to going to the park today, just so I could remember it.
How to take the kids to the park:
1. Wrestle them into coats and hats, put them somewhere safe, and put on your coat 2. Open front door, go back for pushchair and carry it through the hall, taking care not to gouge holes in the walls or whack the kids round the head as you go 3. Run down steps with pushchair and erect it 4. Go back for one child, reassuring the other one that you're not leaving them alone forever 5. Carry first child down steps and put in pushchair 6. Repeat for child two
7. Go back and lock door
8. Realise you've forgotten your phone/water/changing bag/soul 9. WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR COAT ON YOU’RE ON FIRE 10. It's actually pretty dark now 11. Go to bed?
Dear Cooper and Finn
2nd January 2019 Dear Cooper and Finn, I was putting my pyjamas on tonight and your sock was caught in the leg, which reminded me of one of my most embarrassing moments ever, when I was walking down the street and yesterday's pants fell out of my trouser leg and onto the pavement. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
17th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, I'm so excited for Christmas now. It'll be the first time we've ever spent Christmas Day at home, just the four of us, and I can't wait to start our own traditions. And by that I mean force you to do all the things I want to do and eat the things I want to eat, and if you try to resist say "but it's Christmas” with sad eyes. I used to love it when we got the Christmas food in the house. Food we never had at any other time of the year. There’d be a twelve-pack of Pepsi, a pretzel snack tray, Bombay mix, Shloer, honey roasted cashews, Twiglets, satsumas, mince pies, Celebrations, After Eights, and Chocolate Orange. I'd wake up to a pillowcase of presents from Santa, then we’d take it in turns to open the presents from under the tree, then dad and I would stuff our faces with chocolate and Twiglets and mince pies as mam repeatedly told us to stop eating because we'd spoil our our dinner (she was right). We'd watch Carols from Kings, The Snowman, and the Top of the Pops Christmas special, and I'd record the best films on the brand new videotapes dad's friend Sandy always bought me. I hope you love Christmas Day as much as I do. X X X