Blog
Dear Cooper and Finn
6th January 2019 Dear Cooper and Finn, One thing I wasn't really prepared for is how hard it is to do things with you. Obviously I knew I wouldn't be going to fancy restaurants and bars, and I knew that just getting out the house would be hard because of all the things we'd have to do to get ready. But I didn't think about precisely how many individual tasks would be involved, and how uniquely challenging each one would be, and what it would feel like to do every single one of those tasks twice, for two uniquely challenging individuals. I wrote a little guide to going to the park today, just so I could remember it.
How to take the kids to the park:
1. Wrestle them into coats and hats, put them somewhere safe, and put on your coat 2. Open front door, go back for pushchair and carry it through the hall, taking care not to gouge holes in the walls or whack the kids round the head as you go 3. Run down steps with pushchair and erect it 4. Go back for one child, reassuring the other one that you're not leaving them alone forever 5. Carry first child down steps and put in pushchair 6. Repeat for child two
7. Go back and lock door
8. Realise you've forgotten your phone/water/changing bag/soul 9. WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR COAT ON YOU’RE ON FIRE 10. It's actually pretty dark now 11. Go to bed?
Dear Cooper and Finn
2nd January 2019 Dear Cooper and Finn, I was putting my pyjamas on tonight and your sock was caught in the leg, which reminded me of one of my most embarrassing moments ever, when I was walking down the street and yesterday's pants fell out of my trouser leg and onto the pavement. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
1st January 2019 Dear Cooper and Finn, I went to bed at 11.11pm last night. I felt a bit lame and like I'd let myself down by not making it to midnight on New Year's Eve, but then I remembered I don't really care and made the most of the extra 49 minutes of sleep. This year I want to cram less in to our days. To be present in the moment and not always thinking of the next thing. And to not just see things as tasks to be ticked off. Oh and to stop getting quite so ratty at your dad. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
30th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, We've been at home in Weardale for a few days now, and it's been lovely. We had Christmas Day number 2 with gran Jan and grandad George on Friday, and we all wore paper Christmas hats and watched you wipe food around your mouths before throwing it on the floor. Then you opened your presents - some great ones, like the musical instruments and the toy cars- and some not quite so great ones, like the whale shape sorter and an assortment of other odd gifts from the £5 shop that looked like bargains on the surface, but once opened revealed fundamental design flaws. Like the fake Tamagotchi I got from Penrith market when I was twelve, which died on day 7 every time, no matter what. Then on Sunday we had our third Christmas Day of the year with grandma Hazel and granda Geoff, and aunty Gemma, uncle Alan, and cousin Freya. We had the full works all over again, and it was chaos in the best way, because we were all so grateful to have ach other there. It was also pretty stressful - you can be grateful for something and get annoyed by it at the same time. That's just life. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
26th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, It's Boxing Day! Another of my favourite days of the year. A day for lying on the sofa, watching comfort TV, and eating chocolates and leftover sandwiches. We watched the Snowman and The Snowdog and I cried like I do every year. Then we packed our stuff to take home tomorrow. I can't wait to see everyone, but I could have done without having to pack today. Sometimes it feels like I spend my whole life getting ready for the next thing. I'd like to try and enjoy the moment a little longer. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
25th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, It's here, your first Christmas! We all wore our festive jumpers, and by some Christmas miracle, all the baubles on the tree remained intact. We had a quiet day, but it was most definitely not chilled. No day ever is now you two are here. Although we really missed seeing family and friends, it felt really nice not to spend the day driving round and visiting everyone, never really able to relax because we're always thinking about where we need to be next. We gave you a ride-on tiger and ladybird, a telephone with eyes on wheels, and a dancing robot called Beatbo. Then we popped round to our neighbours’
house for a couple of glasses of prosecco and left once you'd knocked one over each. Dinner was at about 4pm, after your second nap of the day. We had roast turkey, pigs in blankets, mashed potato, roast potato, cauliflower cheese, mashed turnip, carrots, broccoli, stuffing balls, mint sauce, and lingonberry jam. We thought you'd eaten loods but then we found it all under the table afterwards. Then we watched Arthur Christmas, put you in the bath and to bed, and your dad and I flopped on the sofa, wondering where the day had gone and why we were so tired. xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
24th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, It's Christmas Eve! One of my favourite days of the year. I think I like it even more than Christmas Day. For me it's a day without pressure. A day of quiet anticipation before the big day. A day of looking forward to something, which is an incredibly enjoyable experience in itself. I haven't worked on Christmas Eve for a few years now, but I have done many times. First at the chip shop in Frosterley. Then at the Centre for Life in Newcastle where someone once told me I'd ruined Christmas for his 8-year-old daughter because we had to tell people who tried to join the queue when we were close to closing that they wouldn't be able to go ice skating. And one year when I was working from home at mam and dad's house as a People's Champion for innocent smoothies, an angry customer phoned me at 4.03pm and demanded that I trudge to the postbox through the snow to post her some smoothie vouchers. But not today, thankfully. I'm just sitting at home, enjoying the day with you and your dad, thinking about what to watch and eat next. If I was seventeen again again, I'd be getting ready to go out down Crook tonight, wearing a dress and no coat even in the snow. I’d jump around and shout along to All I want for Christmas is you, have a few Taboo and lemonades, and get chips, cheese and garlic sauce before click-clacking across the cobbles in my silver satin kitten heels across the cobbles to dad's car. (Thanks dad.) xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
17th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, I'm so excited for Christmas now. It'll be the first time we've ever spent Christmas Day at home, just the four of us, and I can't wait to start our own traditions. And by that I mean force you to do all the things I want to do and eat the things I want to eat, and if you try to resist say "but it's Christmas” with sad eyes. I used to love it when we got the Christmas food in the house. Food we never had at any other time of the year. There’d be a twelve-pack of Pepsi, a pretzel snack tray, Bombay mix, Shloer, honey roasted cashews, Twiglets, satsumas, mince pies, Celebrations, After Eights, and Chocolate Orange. I'd wake up to a pillowcase of presents from Santa, then we’d take it in turns to open the presents from under the tree, then dad and I would stuff our faces with chocolate and Twiglets and mince pies as mam repeatedly told us to stop eating because we'd spoil our our dinner (she was right). We'd watch Carols from Kings, The Snowman, and the Top of the Pops Christmas special, and I'd record the best films on the brand new videotapes dad's friend Sandy always bought me. I hope you love Christmas Day as much as I do. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
16th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, I've just got home from Christmas lunch with my friends, and my belly and my heart are full. We call ourselves Belfast because years ago we set up a WhatsApp group to arrange a trip to Belfast that I didn't end up going on. It was such a lovely afternoon. We ate delicious bread, dips, barbecued meat and chips, drank champagne and wine, and sang Christmas songs from printed sheets. It was the kind of afternoon you wish you could have every week, but you know you wouldn't enjoy as much if you did. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
14th December 2018 Dear Cooper and Finn, I’m on my way home! Every time I think about seeing your little faces and squeezing and squeezing squeezing you and kissing and kissing and kissing you I get a little bit giddy. Looking at photos of you on my phone and smiling to myself will have to do until I get to see the real thing. Can't wait! Apologies in advance for the onslaught of love you're about to receive! I've got a whole week's worth to let out. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
9th December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn, I've just landed in San Jose, California. It's 11:49 pm your time. It's crazy that it's still the same day and I'm halfway around the world. I miss you! I'm just remembering what you feel like in my arms. I know the exact weight. The exact warmth. The exact softness. I know how you breathe and how your heart beats and how you burble away at nothing in particular. Just thinking about all this is making me smile. See you soon, lads. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
5th December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn, It's been so lovely to wander around in short sleeves in December. When it's sunny and warm enough to not have to wear a coat, there's one less thing weighing me down. Movements feel easier, freer. And somehow thoughts do too. I was talking to your dad about whether he’d like to live somewhere that's warm in the winter, but he says he likes the winters we have at home. I do too. I love the crisp, fresh, clear days that feel so bright and sharp that it comes as a shock. And I love how it feels inside when it's gloomy and miserable outside. I like the seasons. I like change. xxx
Naptime optimism
What I think I’m going to achieve during naptime:
- Eat a nutritious lunch
- An entire day’s work
- All the chores
- All the admin
- Exercise
- Read some of my book
- Maybe even write some of my book!
What I actually do during naptime:
- Have the wee I’ve needed all morning
- Eat half-chewed toast slumped against the Kitchen counter, processing the trauma of the day so far
- Realise I don’t have time for anything else
- Move everything from today’s to-do list onto tomorrow’s because tomorrow I will have my shit together
To do during a global pandemic
TO DO
- Check in on family, friends and neighbours
- Help people out in whatever way I can
- Support local and small businesses where I can
- Try not to lose my shit at the kids and say things like “you’d better flipping eat that sandwich, don't you realise we're in the middle of a global pandemic?!!”
- Write a book
- Landscape the garden
- Realise I don’t actually have any extra free time, remember how lucky I am to have a job I can do from home, people I love to spend time with, and a messy garden
- STAY THE F*%K AT HOME
- Learn to cut and colour hair. Quickly.
It’s extraordinary really
It’s extraordinary really
How we all carry on
When our hearts are breaking
Our lives are crumbling
When so much is going wrong
But still we keep on going
Leave our beds, go to work, make small talk
We find pockets of joy
And laugh with the tears
Because life can be both light and dark
You think we’d be quicker to realise
Considering all we’ve been through
That when people are a bit weird or rude
It’s because they’re struggling too
Or maybe they’re just massive dickheads
Doing their usual dickish things
But if we don’t know for sure
We could choose to be kind
Because kindness always wins
Except it doesn’t really though, does it?
It’s not as simple as that
But it’s a good place to start
It feels good to be kind
Because it spreads, it grows, it comes back
Dear Cooper and Finn
3rd December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
While we were queving at the post office today I saw a box full of leather effect pocket diaries on the counter. And it made me a bit sad that they probably won’t sell many. That one day no one will buy them anymore and they’ll stop making them. They were just like my gran used to buy and my mam still buys now. Whenever I tell her what dates we’ll be visiting she writes them straight down in there so she knows not to make any appointments at the same time, because she wants to see us as much as possible. I don’t want her to ever not do that. X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
2nd December 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
One of you made a noise just as I was about to go to sleep and I was thrilled at the excuse to go into your room and look at you again. You sleep well most of the time (thank you) so sometimes when you do wake in the night and I get to spend extra time with you while the rest of the world sleeps, it feels like the most special, secret joy. Other times I feel so exhausted I feel physically sick. But sometimes it really is the most wonderful treat. Xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
27th November 2018
Dear Cooper and Finn,
What a lovely day out! Probably the first one we’ve had that I wouldn’t describe as nice but chaotic, or nice but stressful. It was just nice. It was nice even though our arms ached from carrying you round the aquarium so you could smile at all the creatures. It was nice even though we ate our hot dogs dodging rain drips under a bridge because we’re still too scared to take you in restaurants. It was nice despite and because of all of those things. XXX